Wounded (You’re the Marigold)
Trigger Warning. Rated R
If there is ever a song that resonates within my soul it is and always will be “Wounded” by Third Eye Blind. The way the band sings and plays it feels like all of it wraps around me like a hug. It brings me comfort and makes me smile. This is the only song I don’t sing along with when I’m at their show, because I don’t want to miss feeling that hug. However, I’m always an angel in the pit with her hands in the air.
I love Third Eye Blind not because of their good looks, or style but because of how they saved me from my depths of loneliness and despair after being wounded. To me that means everything. “Well nobody took your pride away I say, that's something people say.”
We kiss, I do not like it but I miss whom I once had...I wanted to feel the way he made me feel... It doesn’t happen. He pushes me back and pulls me down onto the couch. The kisses rough, sloppy and with force...I break away and tell him no. On the cave of my neck his hand keeps me down, while the other one squeezes my breast aggressively. He tells me not yet. I clenched my teeth shut to keep his tongue from invading, trying to turn away to stop.
I lay there trapped from the weight, too heavy to budge, I’m confined...There is no escape, it becomes my punishment of small pleads. Somewhere along the way I hear my zipper and know his hands keep trying to remove my jeans...Instinctively I try to keep them pulled up.
My heart is racing, I can barely breathe. Too fast, this is going too fast to gain control...He pulls my pants down. NO. NO. I say but nothing stops. He tells me this isn’t sexual trust me.
I’m quiet, I should call out but I can barely even talk. PLEASE DON’T. At some point his pants are discarded. My fingertips were grasping at trying to keep my panties on and my legs forced closed.
PLEASE. STOP. PLEASE.
I feel his hand go through my hair and roughly pull causing me to wince so he could get better access to my neck. Thinking it pleases me, he slides that same hand across my cheek down to my throat. His grasp tightens and for a moment I can’t breathe.
Darkness is all around; I see nothing but his silhouette, but barely the form that constricts my movements or escape. WHERE IS MY VOICE? I can’t call out, I’m embarrassed, I have no strength. I am weak, my hands are trying so hard to be able to make their way to his chest to shove and push to get him off me.
I turn my face in every direction, trying to stop his rough and distrustful mouth from hurting mine…
IT DOES NO USE.
I feel his hands slide down my stomach towards my inner thighs. I can’t do this...please stop...I’m not ready...No...no movements cease, he continues on seeking his own pleasure. I try to squirm and consistently push at his chest within my confined prison.
Repeating: Please stop. Please stop. Stop please. I feel his hand grab his erection as he tries to force it in me. I feel the tip trying to force its way in. I DON’T want this! Please stop. NO...The words to him just dissolve into air. I stop the struggle, my body goes limp and I have lost my voice...my hope. Staring up at the black nothingness of where the ceiling was, I can only hear the voice in my head.
I can’t believe this is happening, I don’t care anymore, I wish I could leave my body. Too numb to care, I want to cry but I’m empty...alone. I feel my soul and spirit leave me...hopefully to save themselves. I am left feeling as though this body I am in, comatose. He breathes heavily into my left ear as his movements continue. As my body became damaged while he was on top of me, I saw myself transcend; now looking down at a broken piece of a girl who was no longer who I once was.
He’s persistent; I see the form of his face suddenly look at me. Frustrated words come out of his mouth as he tells me he is having trouble being able to get it all the way in now. To prove his point he uses his hand to try to help him force his penis roughly into me. I feel numb...shattered...dead and carelessly I ask if he’s done yet...please get off of me.
The silhouette of his face still lingers above mine until he says:
YOU’VE GOT TO KISS ME FIRST.
I tell him no, please get off me. He stops all movement and tucks his head against my shoulder covering me with his full dead weight. Suddenly he barely lifts his body up, explaining and asking if he could use my stomach or chest to cum over. I’m so angry, yet all I can say is no and to go to the bathroom. He carelessly gets off me to go in there and finish off what he forcefully started. I wanted to move, to get up and crawl to the safety that I knew was in the other rooms. I couldn’t move. My body was so heavy with defeat. It felt hollow, vacant, empty, and hopeless.
I quickly forced my underwear and shirt on as I stayed lying on the couch, praying for more time. Instead, he walked out fully dressed. He tried looking at my face, words were said but I have no idea what they were. He laid with me back on the couch and within minutes he was asleep.
I tried so badly to curl my body closer to me and away from him, pushing myself into the cushions as much as possible. My face instinctively was trying to find shelter away from him. I felt gutted, shredded, shattered, and so alone because I knew I would never have peace or comfort.
I was an empty shell in the morning, quietly getting up and going into the bathroom. I changed clothes and brushed my teeth all the while avoiding the mirror, because I couldn’t face my reflection. Hesitantly, I woke him to try to get him to leave. The only way I could get him to leave was if I gave him a ride to his car…So I did.
Before he got out of the car, I spoke. I don’t remember much other than rambling. I told him how my heart was already broken before him, and how I wanted to feel loved again. I looked around frantically and felt some tears slip out as I whispered, I kept saying no and you didn’t care...you didn’t listen.
He barely made eye contact and apologized a few times as he pulled me into a swift hug. I know there was more said but for the life of me I can’t remember. He quickly stepped out of the car moments later and I drove off. I drove with small concentration and I stopped caring... I WAS ALONE!
“...Carrying that weight way to far, Concrete pulled you down so hard. Out there with the wounded…”