Deep Inside Of You: “When we met light was shed….”
"I've never felt alone, until I met you.
I'm all right on my own ... and then I met you”
“When we met light was shed….”
My last lyric reflection for Tattoo of the Sun touched on the person I have become while navigating a breakup, and my openness to reconnect with the person I was involved with, and admittedly, not the primary relationship for. The writing piece was well received, phew, and I was encouraged to delve deeper. I’m hesitant to start this off at the beginning of the relationship. I loved our first year together, and miss a lot of the moments. Although it would make sense to start there, it was such an exciting and bittersweet time and I’d much rather keep it for myself. Or at least for the memoir I'll pen in my eighties!
Since I started reflecting on lyrics for my writing pieces, the relationship I've written about seems to weigh heavy on my mind. I don’t want to dismiss any positive growth during the last 2 years of the split or make all my experiences seem insignificant, but there does seem to be hollowness. I no longer know the ins and outs of the other relationship, since we have managed in a world of constant connectivity to stay unconnected. However, I know in reality it’s a good chance he is right where I left him.
When you vibe with someone, and all the feelings and emotions are reciprocated, it’s tough when outside forces pull you apart. You believe you’re supposed to be together, but you aren’t. And when the person you’re with uses words like ‘soulmates’ to describe their connection with you, well that sticks around even long after a break.
Greek mythology has it that humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs, and a head with 2 faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts; condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves. Isn’t that so messed up? Can you imagine after all that, finding your soul mate and then being torn apart? Imagine the hole you’d be left with.
"I've never felt alone until I met you. I'm all right on my own ... and then I met you”.
“And then I met you” … the other half. I think an obvious interpretation of this line is that there are emptiness and change surrounding relationships from all angles; when someone new enters, when a love leaves, and when a relationship is floundering. To me, this lyric is about finding and losing your soulmate. It’s a funny concept, soulmates. Maybe you find them right away, or never find them, or you don’t believe in them, or believe we have more than one. I think more commonly we find people who might fit what traits we associate with that title, but that person is attached to someone else, or we ourselves have already made a commitment to someone that, oops, isn’t them! Even before meeting our ‘other half’ we might look at the one we’re with and think, ‘Well, YOU’RE not it!’
At the time of writing this article, I have a very close girlfriend going thru the early stages of a separation. While it’s a challenging situation for her to be going through, for me the most difficult part to observe is her grappling with the guilt of having to just get the words out. Wrestling with worries of what others will think or judgments she may endure, she is filled with hesitation, doubt, and confusion.
You can pass your days with restless fingers, move about unable to settle, or clench your jaw and mutter through conversations, pretending your constant state of anguish is not negatively impacting those around you, but it is. My friend commented that her partner seems to walk on eggshells with her or be so anxious as a result of her distance and newfound interests, which have inevitably become distractions. And it is interesting how we suddenly become quite concerned about the other person’s well-being. It’s easy to make up scenarios in our head that the other person involved would ‘never be the same’, ‘never find someone new’, etc… so we use that as another excuse to avoid hitting the eject button. If one person is feeling stifled in some way, it’s a good chance the other person isn’t necessarily thriving either. By no means is anyone doing any favors here.
In my friend's case, she knows what she wants and has wanted it for a majority of the years they’ve been married. Somehow the fear of telling this person she wants out is greater than the fear of staying in a loveless monotonous marriage, where both people start to not want to be there. She’s lost parts of herself and feels added guilt for dedicating time to finding them. She feels like she can’t chase after her dreams, is totally suffocated, but still talks herself out of any confrontation or decision. She and I both know she would be much happier on her own. Instead, it’s as if she’s waiting for him to drop the other shoe or for she herself to wake up with an epiphany and all of sudden the courage, or a justifiable reason will be there. I’ve seen this before. I spent several years uncomfortably close to these thoughts and feelings in my past relationship. I waited every day for the courage to find my partner so our relationship could move forward.
Adjustment periods are just that, and all temporary. The immediate discomfort following any breakup, separation, or divorce, whatever you want to call it, isn’t forever. But we tend to look at our lives so narrowly. Sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture. Look beyond.
I recently took a board-breaking seminar with professional motivational and leadership speaker, Brian Biro. It was a powerful class where we literally chopped a board in half with our palms. I had no previous training in doing this; in fact, I had high heels and fresh red lip on. Aside from my outfit, there was nothing fancy, no long several-week courses, and no special gear. It was the tail end of a 3-day event and this seemed like a lot of energy to expel by this point. I admit I felt silly the first several ‘practice rounds’ where we were encouraged to let out a big “hi-yeah” as we thrust our arm forward, palm spread open. A giant “X” marked the spot on one side of the small board. Written under the “X” was one word, one thing that I wanted to “breakthrough”. Other women hoped to breakthrough controlling relationships, thoughts of suicide or depression, or poor money managing skills. Things that were holding them back from achieving happiness, confidence, etc.
The most important thing to know is your board is your obstacle. Whether the obstacle is in life, relationships, or business. If you want to “breakthrough” your board (or obstacle, in this case), you must LOOK PAST IT. If I looked at the board my hand would hit the middle and stop dead in its tracks. I’d let fear of what might happen as my palm hits the board take over the power in my arm and slow me or stop me altogether. You have to widen your view. Look beyond your board. Look in the eyes of the board holder, or look over the board. If you look past the obstacle you will crush it! If we could simply apply this to our lives, think of all the happiness as you crush each goal, each obstacle, and before you know it… the fear is smaller and smaller and the obstacles are fewer and farther between.
If there’s at least one thing the above examples have taught me, it’s that there isn’t anything I can personally do to force people into (or out of!) situations when maybe they can’t “see the forest for the trees”, so to speak. And there isn’t some magic sentence I can come up with to make anyone see beyond his or her obstacle. I want to fast forward time for the sake of my friend and my past love. It might be distressing for me to watch their palm slow as it comes in contact with that “X”, not one splinter in the board flinching, but sometimes all you can provide is time, an ear, a hug, or a spare room in my girlfriend’s case, ha. No matter how much you want to shake that person and scream, “It’ll all be OK, throw your shoulder back and crush that obstacle!”, you just have to be a bystander as the Universe handles the heavy lifting.
“And I’d know what to do if I just knew what’s coming…”
A lot of 3eb lyrics in general for me speak about spirituality and are reminders to stay positive about the intentions we put into the Universe and to trust the process. There are always things happening behind the scenes. The above lyric speaks so deeply to me. I do not have the personality that can leave things up to the Universe. I force situations, stay in control, and fear the unknown. Much like people who find themselves in similar situations as the ones I gave examples of above.
Several lyrics from Deep Inside of You speak to me about soulmates, but specifically “I'm all right on my own ... and then I met you”. It’s all about that shake up that happens when you have a deep connection with someone. I’m familiar with the discomfort and restlessness of missing someone, and it’s comforting at times to relate to these lyrics and scream them with hundreds of friends at concerts. It’s as if I leave all the tension I carry right there on that venue floor.
I’ve heard this tune probably a few hundred times by now, and it’s always held a little weight with me emotionally, so it’s gratifying to sit and break it down. The last comment I made to my ‘ex’ was in a fired up email in reaction to him putting the kibosh on our relationship. I told him, “maybe in the next life our souls will get it right.” I used to think it was a sick joke by the Universe to bring us together when the timing was off, but I can’t help now feeling like there is something exciting and sneaky up the Universe’s sleeve, and I feel hopeful and positive. All this reflecting and writing is putting a certain type of energy out there. If the timing is right, I welcome any gifts the Universe wants me to receive. And I hope those in these types of conflicting situations are open to the messages as well.