Wonder Why The Wind Keeps Blowing You Through My Mind

I usually don’t have trouble expressing myself through writing, but I have been struggling with this assignment and I think it is because this lyric reaches me on a very deep personal level.

A level that I do not usually share with people outside of my closest family or friends.

“Can we talk about tomorrow, and the promise that is brings.”

I have always known that I wanted children, even though my mother will bring up stories from when I was seven where I stated I was never having children, just dogs. I have always wanted to be a mother. Likewise, my husband, has always wanted to be a father, so after we were married for a few years; we decided to start a family. We knew that having children might be complicated since I have a blood clotting condition, but with all of my doctors on board; we became pregnant. We were both very excited, but also terrified, as most expectant parents are. Everyone was overjoyed; however, sadly on the day after Thanksgiving, I suffered a miscarriage which devastated us. Our families were very supportive and many women on both sides of the family shared that they had been through similar experiences. My husband and I were both in shock for a quite a while, but a few months later decided to try again.

Once again we became pregnant, but were more cautious this time and decided to wait to tell our family until the doctor told us everything looked good. After my first appointment, where the baby had a strong heartbeat, we excitedly told our family. We went for a number of appointments with specialists, I was on blood thinners, and everything looked good, until I went to one routine appointment where the baby’s heartbeat was slower than it should have been. I went in the next day and the heartbeat was back up to where it should be, however a few days later our daughter's heart had stopped. I was prescribed medication to start labor, and scheduled for surgery. I clearly remember arriving at the hospital and being taken back to prep for surgery by a hospital volunteer. The volunteer was an older women in her seventies who was very judgmental, she asked me what I was having surgery for, and then told me something along the lines of abortion being a sin, when I broke down crying explaining that my child had died she quickly hugged me.

“I wonder what the whole things for.”

After we lost our second child, my husband and I went through a long grieving process. He hid his feelings trying to be strong for me, I grieved silently feeling alone. I planted rosebushes in the backyard, one for each child we had lost and tried to get back to life as usual. I questioned every day why we had lost both children, I blamed myself, I blamed God, I blamed anyone and everyone. I watched the rosebushes grow and the seasons change. Eventually life got back to normal, or at least as normal as it could be.

Eventually we became pregnant again, and three years ago were blessed with our 3eb loving daughter, Rose. We are incredibly lucky to have her, and she brightens every day. The rosebushes are right outside of her bedroom window, and whenever the wind blows the smell of roses into the house I am reminded of the children that we have lost, and how without them we would not have our own beautiful Rose.