To The Bastard Talking Down To Me.

To the bastard talking down to me
Your whipping boy calamity
Cross your fingers
I'm going to knock it all down

"To the bastard talking down to me, Your whipping boy calamity, Cross your fingers, I'm going to knock it all down"

When people hear the word bully, they automatically imagine another person.

Maybe another kid from when they went to school or a coworker that is constantly intimidating them.

And in many ways they are right. Our world is full of bullies. In my life, my biggest bully isn't one I can point at. Even as a survivor of domestic violence, my biggest and longest standing bully is within me.

As a person living with generalized anxiety disorder, my brain and body are my bullies. I live with a never ending stream of thoughts that are constantly out to make me doubt myself and live in fear. My self-worth is very much the whipping boy that lives a calamitous existence. If you know me, especially if you have only interacted with me on a few occasions, you may find all of this surprising. I try to be genuine and authentic, but society rewards confidence and I project that image at all times. The truth for me is that, while I mostly do a good job at silencing my inner bully, it is never gone. Some days, especially when I have given more of myself to others (family, friends, work, etc.), I have no strength left to erect that inner barrier of protection. What does that mean? It can be as simple as questioning my every choice (Did I offend that person? Did I say the wrong thing?) or as bad as a full blown panic attack.

I feel so fortunate that I take medication; That has helped me so much. I know not everyone with my diagnosis is as lucky, but I hope that through this very short admission of my inner world that others living with this feel a little less alone. See... My bully tells me that I'm alone and that I'm not good enough. I have made a conscious choice to challenge that bully. Each of you reading this is helping with that. I used to hate writing. My bully has told me that I'm terrible at it. I am going to do it anyway. I am also going to trust my friends when they express their love for me. Even on the bad days. That is what these lyrics remind me to do. I will knock down every lie my brain tells me and I will do it because we all know bullies only win if we let them.