Sunday Special: She’s a Fabulous Mess
Okay here it goes, I used to be a “doo doo doo” girl.
I was the fan of the Third Eye Blind radio hit wonders.
Now, before anyone judges me let me take you back, way back. To the 90’s where all of this begins, and I even remember the first day I saw the Semi-Charmed life video on MTV but we have to go back even further.
Now many of you remember Ryan’s article, but the story is much bigger! We have been through so much in life to get here and Third Eye Blind pulls our story together.
So Ryan and I actually didn’t meet until 2006, but apparently our paths have been destined to cross since we were kids. In the early 1990’s our moms were both hair dressers in the same salon and they even had stations side by side. There is probably a chance we ran into each other back then and just don’t remember it. It’s cool though, that the story begins in such a pre-fated way. Ryan and I grew up in the same schools, and we even shared the same friends but somehow, we never connected. At least not until 2007. My best friend at the time was working at Walmart and there was this party house complete with a couch guy that belonged to one of her co-workers; she invited me over to the house after clearing it with her co-workers. Enters Ryan, who was quite cocky at the time, God’s gift to women if you will, he played the part well. I ended up coming over quite a bit and after long night conversations about music and books (particularly 1984), I realized how much of a front he had put on.
Night after night I would sit there playing guitar hero, drinking beer, and falling for this goofy guy who had his own place, a decent job, he was in a band (swoon), and he was extremely intelligent. He was like the young adult trifecta. I started working at Walmart shortly thereafter and we would sit together with a group in the smoking break room, yeah that was a thing, and laugh about our woes, share our stress, and continue to connect. I had the biggest crush at this point, but as a typical man he was clueless. To make matters worse he eventually got back together with his ex-girlfriend who also worked with us. Our story took a bit a blessed detour here.
Ryan went on to move in with Amy, he left Walmart for Ntelos, and they were destined for marriage and in 2012 a daughter. As for me, I met the love of my life, his name was Chris. He worked at Walmart as well and we connected. He was working his way through nursing school while I was trying to decide on what I wanted to do with my life. I was stuck between psychology, teaching, and nursing. Seeing Chris in school and learning more about nursing I absolutely knew it was for me and a few months later I was on track to become a nurse. We were in love, we moved in together, he finished school and got a nursing job. Then one day my whole world changed forever.
“How’s it gonna be when you don’t know me anymore.”
On May 12, 2012 I arrived home in a thunder storm angry he wouldn’t answer his phone. When I walked into the bathroom I realized why. Chris had epilepsy and his seizures had been becoming worse and more frequent. The night of May 11th he had a seizure at work and I picked him up early, apparently sometime during the day of the 12th while I thought he was sleeping, he had his last seizure laying in the bathroom. My whole world ended, I was 22 years old in the middle of nursing school and had no idea what to do. Chris had a 6 year old daughter, he was an only child, and he had impacted this world in his 28 years more then I think he could have known.
I tried to fill the hole, and I met another guy a little later down the road. We ended up expecting our son a few months later in January 2012. From there life was a whirlwind. I graduated nursing school in December 2011, had Calder in January 2012, followed by my nursing boards in February and in March I was a full blown RN working for the hospital. Trevor and I tried our best to make it work but “Good Man,” will forever be the song that reminds me of our marriage. In 2015, we separated. I tried to reconnect with my life and find who I was again. I had always kept up with Ryan and one night I decided to reach out to him to catch up on Facebook, his brother died a few months earlier and he had been separated from his ex-wife.
It was almost a rebirth for us both, and here enter Third Eye Blind. Dopamine released that summer, and Ryan was stoked! He was incredibly upset that our local music store did not have the CD on release day. I discovered the album was on Amazon Prime, and my days as a “doo, doo, doo” girl were over. I was shocked by how much I connected to the music and the lyrics that drew me in. Originally, I loved “All the Souls” and “All These Things.” Ryan didn’t seem as on board as I was with those two tracks, and looking back on it now I get it, the catalog can be so much deeper. It wasn’t long before I was finding myself trying all the ways I could think of to inspire the creative brilliant soul that I had once known. Rightly so, all of his experiences had jaded him to the world at this point. One of my first strokes of genius was finding out that Third Eye Blind was on tour! They were coming to Charleston, South Carolina. Ryan and I had admitted this was on our “to visit” list, so I booked the tickets and the hotel. This was going to be my first concert, and the look on his face and the gaze in his eyes showed me that this was a step in the direction of rebirth he needed.
From this point on we were pretty much inseparable. Despite me being a full time single mom and him having his daughter two days a week, we made it work. In December Third Eye Blind came to The National for Miracle on Broad. It was so intimate. We were two rows from the rails!! It was beautiful. By this point I had purchased every album on iTunes and listened to Third Eye Blind daily. We also started sending each other text messages throughout the day with Third Eye Blind lyrics. “I want you,” “laying in a bed that’s never made,” “I remember when you and me used to spend the whole god damn day in bed.” It was a highlight of the day getting creative and using lyrics to express emotion to one another. Then one day he sent me “There’s something in you I believe in,” it almost broke me, I was in tears. I knew the song and the emotion and I had finally met a man who truly made me feel like these words were true.
I would, and still do, spend the next two years up to date thinking of ways to inspire Ryan. For Christmas, I got him a new drafting table and an airbrush set. I pay attention to hints he drops. I encourage every creative endeavor he mentions. I truly want him to know that I believe in him. This song is my anthem to Ryan. I believe in him every day. We may fight, we may disagree, and we may be thrown into impossible situations, but we always find our way out together. When I got the tickets to Charleston again in 2017 I knew it would be another magical moment. Little did I know he would propose and we would confirm once again, and very publicly, that we believe in us.
When I was given this lyric assignment, I started thinking more about this song. I reflected to the moment Ryan sent me that text, “There’s something in you I believe in,” and I instantly realized he shows me that he believes in me every day as well. Ryan makes me feel beautiful and sophisticated every chance he gets. Because of Ryan I have literally conquered mountains. I have found beauty and strength in myself I never realized I had. Turns out life jades us all for a bit. I am hotheaded, impulsive, and a perfectionist. I will be the first to admit that I am not easy to be with, and I frequently own that in our relationship. Ryan is with me every step of the way. He works to inspire me in my dreams as well. It’s easy to lose sight of that since my dreams aren’t always in the creative outlets that his are. Every day he hopes I have a good day and tells me he loves me before 730am. He cooks dinner, he cleans, he relocated his whole life so that I could take a promotion, and he lets me be the first to vent on a terrible day. He supports me in any and everything I want to do. “We’ve got room to grow, and I want to find out all the things your chaos brings, there’s something in you I believe in.” There is no better example of a love to grow than what God has given me, and I am forever thankful for Third Eye Blind giving us the anthem for our journey together.