Boy, Your Life Got Complicated
Soundtrack to My Life 10 Days Late: Part 2
Mature Audiences Only
IN LOVING MEMORY OF CHRISTIAN PAUL THIELE
6.22.1974 - 4.7.1999
BABY DADDY KEEP YOUR BOO
THAT ONE ENCOUNTER WITH CHRIS, WAS LIKE HITTING THE RESET BUTTON ON MY LIFE. I felt alive again.
My life was on the mend, it was actually that my heart was put back inside my chest.
It had been ripped apart once, a year and a half of existing on this planet with an emptiness that still leaves me cringing when I look back. I had finished Freshman year and was so looking forward to being a Sophomore then, the long anticipation of that second year of high school, got cut short.
The Back Story.
It's all in the details, and when it was about Chris every detail mattered. The way he presented himself in the halls of Walter Panas, was a new beginning. An opportunity to paint his life anyway he wanted since he was new to the school district. We quickly became friends, and I recall all the girls in my grade wanting to get close to him, he was just beautiful. He was also charming, but there was something about him that drew me even closer. I couldn't quite figure out what it was. He was an introvert but knew how to speak up at the right time.
We would spend hours talking about life, and I started to realize that behind his blue eyes, was a deep sadness. I will admit it, I wanted to fix his life. I couldn't stand seeing someone be deprived of a childhood. He would often share about his troubled home life and the abuse that his mom put him through, with relationships, drugs and being absent.
When I introduced him to my parents for the first time, on Halloween, our first date, he quickly wished that he could trade his life with mine. I had the big house, my parents worked, my dad had a Jaguar, we were The Jones -- Spanish version of The Jones.
So when the time permitted, he would spend it with us. My parents were super cool, but they laid down the rules from the very beginning, no guys in the room, no phone or television during the week. Pretty simple, the only thing is that all of my classmates were allowed to do everything, and their parents were not strict. So I compared my life with those classmates, and felt so out of place, and that definitely had an impact on my high school reputation. I was that girl; and it burned a hole in me trying to figure out why I had to be the one who had the strict parents.
We weren't in Brooklyn anymore, there was really nothing to be worried about, we were in a safe neighborhood with 7 acres around us and security cameras (which was a big deal at the time). My parents spent their days in the City at their office, they had a graphic design company, and they worked long hours in order to be that top 10% in their industry. I guess they thought that they could trust me, and I thought they could trust me too.
Chris, who never liked to be called by his full name Christian, had been entertaining the thought of coming over one day after school, November 19 to be exact. We had talked about him wanting to be my first, I can still hear myself thinking, "well I am going to have to do it sometime, so why not him."
That was my reasoning, and he so happened to have a brand new Sega Genesis, that would be the perfect bribe for my 8 year old sister. That was the plan, and it worked out on that November afternoon, “Alex Kid” was on the game deck while we locked ourselves in my bedroom.
I was so nervous and I remember every detail as if it was just yesterday, including my poster on the ceiling. It was all in the details with Chris. After that we were inseparable and everyone at school knew it.
It was a big deal and what I didn't know was that it would be an even bigger deal when the entire family found out. So it went, one the worst days of my life, Dec 12, 1991, was when my Sophomore career was cut short. That was the day that my parents decided to work from home. That was the day that Chris and I would leave school upset with each other, and he was trying to make it all better, and since it was a sure thing my parents were not home, he decided to call.
My dad picked up the other end of the receiver and in a very stern voice said, "you know very well you are not to call this house during the week." I was in the kitchen in a panic, making a tuna fish sandwich for my dad, when that phone hung up, I heard my name, "Liseli" in a way I had never heard it before.
I had a blank stare on my face, and my dad just looked at me. I will never forget that look. My mom who was working on the computer, spoke the words that would bring this entire evening to a series of unfortunate events, "I bet she brings him here too!" Oh My God! It was the end of me! The sadness that came over my dad's face was one I had never seen before. He grabbed his keys and headed to school to catch up with Chris.
"NO ONES LAUGHING NOW WHAT DO I SAY"
Not having learned my lesson, just when my parents were getting slightly over the massive deception and disappointment I caused my entire family, I was finding ways to meet up with Chris. Even after being told never to see him again, and not only just being told, but being sent three hours away to a Catholic All Girls Boarding School in Danville, PA.
I spent days driving the nuns crazy, yet they still found a way to comfort me when I would get the news that Chris had moved on and was going down the line dating all my girlfriends. It was a big deal and it scared me more than I let it be known. I had this incredible heartache, and it hurt. It hurt so bad I wanted to rebel and I did. My self image was affected, eating disorders began, and became something to be proud off.
Here is the thing, I was ready to stop throwing up everything I ate that summer when I was home. Unfortunately, I couldn't get around it. As much as I wanted to stop throwing up I couldn't. What I didn't know is that it was morning sickness. ME! Its funny how we never think that it could happen to us. I mean looking back now, I know that I had a fearless mentality. I missed my first period, took a test, and then took another, and then reality hit me.
I quickly called Chris to communicate this to him, only for him to tell me that, he wanted nothing to do with it. I got upset and reassured him that I didn't want him to be involved anyway. Which was a total lie, but I was never any good at admitting failure. I was angry at his response, there was definitely no room to be sad. It was RAGE! After all the heartache I had gone through, I was in such a predicament that it didn't allow me to think straight. I would make sure that he knew I would be fine. This was a point of no return.
YOU WALK AWAY, WAIT, NO, NO DON'T GO
What I didn't stop to think about was the fear he later told me he had in facing my father. Instead I was determined to show him that I was fine with all this. I confided in a girlfriend, and she helped me make an appointment at good ole Planned Parenthood. The name of that clinic was like a big FU to me. This was not planned, nor was accepting Chris's rejection. At this point I had one month to figure out what I was going to do since I had to return back to boarding school, that is if I was accepted back because the nuns put me on probation, -- must have been the Ouija board seances I would have with the other girls that made them hesitant in welcoming me back!
I still couldn't believe that Chris had the nerve to shun me like that.
I GUESS I'LL ALWAYS BE KNOWING YOU
The ultimate revenge was to move on. Right? Wrong! I tried my everything to get this entire situation resolved. On the morning of July 4, my dad decided it would be a great day to do Jones Beach. Great, I thought, but the beach was really not what I was in the mood for. I had still been feeling off. As I was getting ready, my monthly visit decided to stop by. This was unexpected and the best news ever, I was off the hook. Those pregnancy tests were a joke, I had never been so relieved in my life. At the time I started meeting friends, because now I was given a little bit of trust from my parents. On one of those evenings out with my gf Kristen, I was introduced to a guy named Mike, it was the grand plan to escape the pain from that rejection, and I couldn't wait for the news to get back to Chris.
And it did. August came, I was dating Mike, and Chris was with Gina, the girl that he had fallen in love with. The thing was that he actually asked me if he could date her if I wasn't going to date him, before the pregno scare. I was so hurt that he would even ask me this, and my response would be very passive. "Do what you want" and that was an open invitation for him to do just that, what he wanted!
BABY DADDY KEEP YOUR BOO
I think my parents were relieved that Mike showed up in the picture. This would give them the idea that Chris was out of the picture. If they only knew. August came, and no period. I was too stupid to think that I was in the clear. So that visit to Planned Parenthood had to be made. I kept Mike in the loop about what happened with Chris, and I told him that he should go find someone that wasn't pregnant, but he refused. He wanted to be involved and he wanted me to count on him. There was no way I was going to update Chris on any of this. I was just going to pull an “Alright Caroline” and pretend that it was all an illusion.
Kristen and Mike were able to get me out of the house that morning, for the appointment. This was late August. I walked into the office and thought this will be over in a heartbeat. Boy was I wrong.
To my surprise I was 20.4 weeks pregnant and the look the nurse gave me made me shrink on that table.
When the nurse gave me the news, I asked her to turn the monitor towards me so I could see what my baby looked like. At first she refused, she told me that if I was planning on going through the termination this would just make things difficult.
My thoughts, "Well Chris was my first and I will always love him, so this baby will always be my heart."
My thoughts, "A two day procedure! Saline injections and deliver a dead baby!! I won't ever be able to get out of the house for that and if I do my parents will find out, so I might as well keep the baby, then no one can hurt me."
TIME HAS COME FOR YOU TO CHOSE
The nurse was right. The instant I saw that baby's heart beat, my decision was made.
To be continued.