The Soundtrack of My Life: Third Eye Blind
Celebrating Twenty Years in the Blind for many, is about the tribute to the Greatest Rock Band from San Francisco, and their first Self Titled Album, Third Eye Blind. However, Celebrating 20 Years in the Blind for me, goes to a very personal, and deep level of my existence. Third Eye Blind is a connection for me with my late husband, Christian Paul Thiele.
Christian loved Third Eye Blind. The album came out on April 8, 1997, and for two years straight, I would hear him play that album, non stop. You are probably reading this because you are a 3EB expert, like Chris. He would play that cd everywhere, all the time, in the car, in the kitchen, at the gym, and even when we argued. He would even use the lyrics of Third Eye Blind, to communicate with me. I recall this moment so vividly. We had argued, and he ran home, wrote me a note, that I would later find along with the song, "How's It Gonna Be" playing on repeat.
Sorry about that. I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore , Before you take a swing, I wonder what are we fighting for, When I say out loud, I want to get out of this, I wonder is there anything, I'm going to miss????
I can't tell you what that note said, but I can tell you what he meant. And soon after I was so charmed about how he would take the approach of making a mends with me using 3EB, that we would go on living our life in San Francisco. This photo is a similar picture of my building, 299 Cole Street, if you were standing on Fell Street looking up. We had a beautiful view too. We would often spend time on the roof sun bathing and have a few drinks, and Chris would love to escape to the roof top and write and write and write.
We use to walk up Haight Street, to the store. I would get drunk on Red Wine and not want to fight anymore. At the time, I didn't know it, but Stephan Jenkins lived across the street from the pan handle on Cole Street. Chris and I both went to College, at the Academy of Art, and our son, Garvin was about six at the time, since I was that girl that was "Ten Days Late" at the age of 17.
San Francisco: April 2, 1999
The night of April 1, 1999, Chris and I had plans to go out to grand opening of a club in the Mission, "Big Heart City". It fell on a Good Friday, and although many years of my life I had been warned by my dad never to go out on Good Friday, we did anyway. That evening, Chris dropped off Garvin at the baby sitters, ran home and got dressed.
He always had the best fashion, he didn't dress for others, He dressed for himself, and he was comfortable in his clothes. So he went down to meet me at the bar that I worked at, (not the Dalva- but close) and was ready for a good time. We had been going through a difficult time in our relationship, mostly because of JEALOUSY, making us both so Depressed.
I had just finished my shift, from work and was looking forward to this event, I had invited a few of my friends and their boyfriends to join. We arrived at Big Heart City, and the place was packed. It was a restaurant type of club and the owner of the club, a friend of mine, had reserved the best table in the house. We were seated, and Chris looked over at me, impressed, and also wondering how I managed to make that happen, in a very suspicious way. Our friends order a bottle of vodka and buckets of Corona, to begin the festivities. Our friend Joe, turned to us and with a grin, took out a ziplock full of mushrooms-magic mushrooms. It was like offering water to a person who had not drank in weeks, we all reached for the bag and got a handful and held them, as we looked at each other. There was no peer pressure, that didn't exist in our crowd, we were those living a semi-charmed life. He was packing and he was holding, and as we all made a circle, we started the count down and I gave Chris a look, while recalling an episode that occurred a month ago, where I was offered those mushrooms at a wrap party, and I didn't hear the end of it when I got home. I had made a vow to never do mushrooms again, and that night I decided to keep that vow. 1.......2...........3 - GO and everyone swallowed the shrooms, and I didn't - I held them in my hand and slowly put them down on the table, as I looked into Christian's big, blue eyes. "I will be your guardian angel tonight" - were the words that came out of my mouth. He took my mushrooms off the table and ingested them too.
At a night time washstand you're staring me down
Chris always tried to enjoy himself, he was very shy, and I, being Colombian from New York, I was just the opposite. Addictions in San Francisco in the 90's were an extracurricular activity; and Chris wanted to master the art of having a good "trip". He began with his trips to the bathroom, checking himself out, and washing his face. I saw that look on his face and I knew it was time to go, besides that fact it was already 1 am and everything ends at 2 am.
We could slip out the back right now if you want to save me
And that is exactly what I did- I saw that look on Chris's face and knew he was tripping out. I was trying to make him laugh and he was just staring at me with a look that I could never forget. Since I had to go pick up my girl friend, who had gone back to my best friends house because she had had too much to drink, we grabbed our jeep and drove off. On that car ride, Chris started talking to me, asking me all sorts of questions, "Why do you love me? Everyone loves you but why do you love me?" I knew that trip too well, and I tried to keep the convo light, quickly arriving to my friend, Michael's apartment.
You start to haunt me I feel the danger
Do you like holding on to the company of strangers? Chris looked at both our friends like strangers, and he could have very well been thinking this, because he was sure acting like it. He was watching me make myself at home, and so he grew suspicious again, wondering how I knew how certain things were in Michael's apartment. He didn't know, but I would go to Michael's place from time to time to hang out. I did mention earlier- ravaged by jealousy, and to avoid an argument, I just didn't let him know . We hung out for a bit, waiting for my girl to get herself together cause she was going to spend the night at our place. Michael thought it would be entertaining to play his editing project, which had some really terrible scenes from a cult movie. I knew it was time to go. Chris, Amy and I got in the car and made it home, she was passed out in the back seat. Chris, being the gentleman that he was, carried her even in his altered state of mind and up the stairs he went.
She said promise not to kill me and maybe I will let you in
He put Amy in Garvin's room, she was out cold. I headed straight to the bedroom, and changed into my white pjs and put his matching pjs on the bed. He came into the room and started to ask me, about Jesus, and why people celebrate Good Friday. I replied- "He died to save the sins of the world, please come to bed!" He took a $50 bill and placed it on the table and said, "this should be enough". That is when I knew that this was going to require... perhaps a glass of milk, to bring down the effects. I offered a glass of milk, and he said he would go get it after he used the bathroom. I quickly went under the covers, and closed my eyes.
Her apartment is cold as a mace can
She said I just want to get it, I don't need to understand
I must have dozed off for about, less than ten minutes, the apartment was cold, and I had to get up to check on Chris. The bathroom was empty, and I looked down the hall to my kitchen and that is when I started to panic. Our kitchen had a door that led up to our roof top.
I said show me your true face and She said I'd rather wear a blindfold
I ran up those steps up to the roof, threw the door open and there he was, standing there, on the edge of the roof. In a calm, stern voice, I told him to get off the roof right now, before he makes a scene and they call the cops. That very instance he came up to me, looked right at my face and said, "Maybe I will take you with me?" and then he said, "No, I couldn't do that to Garvin."
He backed off and started pacing, I was standing right by the door, making sure not even to step on that roof top. He started doing these weird hand movements, and yelling at the sky. This was not happening, I couldn't believe this and I was starting to grow impatient. I said, " I am going down stairs, come on, lets go to bed." I turned around and walked down the stairs, and was stopped in my tracks, by our super, Bill, who asked, "What is all the commotion up there?" I answered, "Chris is trying to kill himself!" At that very moment, I caught my words, and then it hit me, He is going to JUMP!
If you're the one who knows me best
So tell me why, why do I feel so so so so so so depressed
Still pacing, He saw that I was back, and tried to run the length of the rooftop. But then stopped. He was thinking, and he was surrounded by big clouds, that particular morning, clouds with a light shining though them.
The Silver Lining of Clouds Shines on People Jesus Couldn't Save.
He raised him two hands and screamed out to God, "FORGIVE ME FATHER!!!!" I froze, watching all of this happening on the rooftop, and I couldn't speak. I was in a state of unbelief at what I was witnessing. He turned around, once again, and looked at me.
In your eyes what you see-Is what you want me to be-So that's what I will be-What you-want me to be-That's what I will be-What you want me to be.
Fu-fu-fuck, a-fuck away the emptiness
If you're the one who knows me best
Tell me why, why do I feel so so so so so second best
He was never second best, but he thought he was. Everyone has to face down the demons. If he would have stepped back from that ledge, I would have understood. That wasn't the plan of the Almighty God! At 23, I couldn't understand, what had just happened. I didn't understand and I needed to understand. Chris was rushed to San Francisco General, and was in a coma for 5 days. He died at 8:46 am on Wednesday April 7, 1999. Third Eye Blind was all I played while they changed the hospital sheets. I needed an answer. This tragedy would be the beginning of my journey, holding on to the company of strangers, with a robot heart.
I want to live a life of danger
I like holding on to the company of strangers
On Wednesday, March 15, 2017, I was celebrating the last of me being 41. I was on my computer, when an email popped up about Third Eye Blind. I clicked on it and there it was, the video I had been waiting for them to release. While playing the video, my brain started registering the images of Stephan on a rooftop, and the first 3 seconds, him jumping off a building. What I started to feel was a presence of my divine creator, and a message greater than I could even begin to explain.
It is true what they say, "The more you know, the crazier you look." I see the world in a very different way due to the experiences I have gone through in life. Third Eye Blind has allowed my mind, to explore deeper levels of healing and even though Chris is no longer with me in flesh, in spirit he lives on. The Company of Strangers, for me are the many other fans that have had major healing and understanding of life through the lyrics of Stephan Jenkins. I interact with them on a daily basis.