Everything's Changing Now
While I've been a fan of Third Eye Blind from the start, I haven't always followed them closely.
In high school and into college, I experimented with various ways to listen to music - what I wanted music to be in my life and how I interacted with it. Third Eye Blind was included, but not a focus.
Out of the Vein flew under my radar for a number of years, despite knowing it existed. Between 2008 and 2009, I realized I'd been slacking as a fan and bought OOTV, Red Star, and Ursa Major. I fell in love with Third Eye Blind all over again. "Bonfire" was one song that stood out above the rest. Everything about that song resonated with me both viscerally with the music itself and existentially with the lyrical content. It was so raw and relatable.
It made me reflect on myself, my relationships - it made me think about who I was and how I want things to be. Fast forward two years, I'd been through a couple life-changing relationships with two men that I will never forget (for two very different reasons).
I was in this strange place with both of them. The song rang truer to me than ever before. “Lightning comes and lightning goes,” but I am the constant in the story of my life. I am myself and that's literally all I have to give. Everything else changes.
This message in "Bonfire" resonated in me with enough importance that I decided it would be my next tattoo. I designed it with extra attention to detail, every funky old type-faced letter and ink blot in precisely the right place. The girl in the middle is me - a stencil I made from a photo I'd taken of myself taken naked in my living room solely for this project. I sometimes wonder if it is silly or vain to have a picture of myself tattooed on me, but I also don't care. I printed it out and took it to my local tattoo artist. It took about four hours to complete. We worked straight through it, with the exception of his smoke break. He called me a champ. Given the location of this piece, I was sore for days afterward, but it was worth it. Fast forward one more week. I find out I was pregnant with my first child. Her father and I had just broken up. He moved out. “Everything's changing now.”
Fast forward five more years, I'm the single mother of two beautiful girls. They burn my wick at both ends. Life is crazy, terrifying, adventurous, and wonderful all at once. I can hardly keep up and I don't always know how I do it. But I do it. I'm giving it my all because I am myself and that truly is all I have to give.